BILLYCORGAN.COMの「the Confessions of Billy Corgan（ビリー・コーガンの告白）」が更新されています。MySpaceにアップされているものと同じです。かつての奥さんについて書かれています。
Chris’ approach is “don’t worry about it, I will handle all the details, you just watch t.v.”, and my mother’s approach is “why don’t you seem to care more about your own wedding?”…since we both live together already in the house, it is a natural fit to stage the wedding there, because the house is a symbol in our minds of the type of love that we have: sentimental, old, delicate, and wishing…with about one month to go, there was a noticeable shift in Chris attitude as the pressure of the details began to mount, and I felt great appreciation for her handling of so many of the nagging details (most noticeably the logistics of trying to fit 100+ guests into a house that really only held about 40)…my mother, somewhat representing ‘my’ interest in my nuptials, starts getting more and more detail oriented as the days have gone past, and slowly begins to make Chris nervous with all her small questions…Chris, not wanting to offend her future Mother-in-law, tries her best to comply with all my Mother’s requests, but starts turning to me for help and advice about my Mother’s mercurial nature…what is odd to me is that after 20+ years of being more like my friend, my mother suddenly is becoming my ‘Mom’ in a very real sense, and it is something I am not used to at all…
Chris comes to grab me, telling me “you’ve got to talk to your Mother, she’s on the phone and she’s a little wound up”…as I pick up the phone, Chris makes those eyes that say “good luck”…Martha starts out by asking me why I don’t seem to take any special interest in any of the details surrounding the wedding…I tell her that that is not true, that Chris is keeping me well informed, and since I am paying for much of the proceedings, am pretty responsible for how the money is being spent…she chastises me for not seeming to care more though, and I tell her “Mom, we already live together, and have been a couple for almost 6 years already…it’s just a wedding day…of course it’s special, but in many ways we are already married”…suddenly, she explodes and starts screaming with that razor voice of hers “it’s your fucking wedding!!! How can you not give 2 shits about your goddamned wedding???!!!”…I start asking her to calm down, but now she is in a fit of rage…she hurls insult after insult, distorting the phone as I try to hold it far enough away from my ear until she is done venting…there are only 4 days to go to the ‘big day’, and I can’t believe how wound up she is over placemats and streamers…
My approach to all of this is to treat it as a casual affair…but against my best wishes, the wedding has sprawled out of control; too many guests, too much pressure to care, too much of everything except what I wanted it to be, which is to marry my wife in a calm, gentle ceremony…
We are up very early, because there are so many things that need to get done before the guests start to arrive…we have not had any physical contact for a month in a vain attempt to keep our coupling as pure as possible, so we have a good laugh first thing because we miss being together so much…my mom arrives with her boyfriend, and after we eat a little breakfast, I am in the backyard putting up streamers, moving chairs into place…already, Martha is uptight, something in regards to the balloons…it is way too early for this stuff, and she starts getting upset with me because the balloons are not just right…I do not want a repeat of the other day on the phone, and I just keep saying to her over and over, “Mom, it’s my wedding day, please relax”…she insists that I open the garage, which is dirty, so that she can make a display with the stupid balloons…I am already nervous, and she is just making it worse…in contrast to all this attention from Martha, my father, who has been divorced now from my mother for over 20 years, has not added one effort to this day…his primary concern seems to be whether or not I expect him to contribute any money to the pot, and is relieved when I tell him not to worry about it…the difference in their attitudes towards me getting married strikes an odd balance, and just adds to the surreal nature of this day…one parent caring too much, one parent caring too little…my step-mother, on the other hand, feels a bit dispossessed…Chris has tried to include her in the planning, but as usual anything that involves my real mother negates her ability to safely navigate her petty manipulations, so she has just faded from view on this one…many of my step-family are coming, plus the Corgan side, as well as a few from my mother’s side…this alone puts tension in the air, because this is one of the only times in my life that the 3 divisions of my family-in total are forced to be together in one place, and there is a lot of bad blood and suspicion that goes way back…
With around 2 hours to go, and many of the guests having already arrived, Chris goes upstairs with her ladies to start getting dressed…I am wearing a borrowed suit that is too big for me, and scuffed shoes…my mother is frantically trying to dress up the garage entrance at the last moment, and I keep telling her to leave it alone and enjoy the moment…with Chris out of action, I become the de-facto person to ask anything of, so I spend a good deal of energy getting everyone situated, parked, and pointed in the right direction…I just want to crawl in a hole and get the whole thing over with, because if I am not on stage, I usually do not like being the center of attention…everyone is dressed very nice for this warm summer day, and many memories of years past flood my mind, good years and bad years all mixed up to make this moment real…since the incredible success of our 2nd album, many have showed back up at my door, looking for I know not what, but wanting to be part of it somehow, and where I fit into that I am not really sure…but today, they are all here, and I try to remain grateful, seeing this as a fresh opportunity to start over in my life; with my family, with my friends, and with Chris…
Copyright 2005 Billy Corgan. All Rights Reserved. Do not do reproduce or publish in hard or electronic form without written authorization.
