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mister thom also seems to want to wake me up at 5am to say hello…well, the music for the rock and roll record is going really swell, just starting to get into a groove writing some songs…predominately focusing on melodies right now, leaving the words for a bit further down the road, which is unusual, but necessary…in the months to come, I am going to share some things with you that you have never heard me say…that doesn’t mean I’m rewriting history, that means that I’m going to tell you the truth about who I am and what I believe in my heart…a lot of things that I have said thru the years seemed confusing, like I was hiding somethin!g, and often times I was…’why’, you might ask? Many times I hid things to protect my band mates…for example, its been almost 4 years since I went on my friend tami’s radio show and announced that the pumpkins were breaking up…that day, when she asked why we were breaking up, I said something silly like ‘I’m tired of fighting britney blah blah’…and it went on to be widely quoted, as if I was breaking up my love, my band, because of some pop star…13 years of my life, and you know, let’s pack it in cause their teeth are whiter…by saying that, I was seen as someone who was crying foul, taking his ball, and going home…which was sad cause it wans’t true at all…The truth of the matter is is that james iha broke up the smashing pumpkins…not me, not jimmy, but james…did it help that d’arcy was fired for being a mean spirited drug addict, who refused to get help? No, that didn’t help keep the band together, not at all…it made it very hard to go on, but we soldier! ed thru it even though our hearts were broken…But d’arcy didn’t break up the band, we didn’t let her…and jimmy didn’t want to break up the band, not at that time…and I would have gone on forever…the smashing pumpkins were essentially my entire life…a dream I still believe in…many friends at that time suggested letting james leave, so jimmy and I could continue on under the name…but I was too loyal to the man I had started the whole thing with, and I protected him until the very end…right up until the last show on dec 2, 2000, when he thanked d’arcy on stage, but not the 2 men standing next to him…and I was loyal until he left the metro without even saying goodbye, or an ‘its been great boys!’, or a simple ‘I love you’ to us…no, james iha left the metro that night without saying goodbye to the 2 people he had won and lost and traveled the world with…so I won’t be protecting him anymore…and I won’t be protecting a whole lot of other people anymore…not because I don’t love them (I do!!) but because ! I love myself too…I want to say one more thing, and that is I appreciate you reading this…+I want to remind you that I love you…God has given me the strength to say that to you, and I hope that you don’t hide who you are…does it make me sad that I have hid myself all these years? No, it was what I had to do to survive, or at least what I ‘thought’ I needed to do…but surviving is not enough…we all deserve to flourish, and to know happiness and joy…that is my new dream…the smashing pumpkins gave me that, and I am eternally grateful…especially to those that shared in the dream with me…even if you bought just one cd, or came to a show, you gave us that chance…we thank you for that…even if we don’t always know how to show it…be well!! William
